We sang the song Oceans in church, a few months after our daughter was stillborn. I used to love that song. I always longed to walk in faith wherever God would lead me. But now I found myself not being able to sing it. What if going wherever He leads would mean I lose another child? I suddenly realized I didn’t trust God anymore. I was shocked.
Some months later I went to a songwriters retreat. In a workshop the leader invited us to write down what bothers us and to give it over to God. After that we asked God what He wanted to show us. I ‘see’ a man on the water. The sea is calm and the sun breaks through, right above the man. We told each other what we received. Then we prayed again and I ‘heared’ a song line from the band Live: ‘Run to the water. I find you there’. I thought it was funny. I’ve always loved Live and God knows that of course. I didn’t know what to do with it, though. ‘Isn’t that man Jesus?’ someone said. I was startled and immediately thought of the song Oceans again. I realised Jesus was inviting me to walk on the water, in the light. I wrestled with what this means exactly. I listened to Oceans again and then the last line hits me: ‘in the presence of my Saviour’. That’s what someone said as well: ‘But Ineke, you don’t walk alone on that water. God is always there.’ It is true. If I honestly look back, I can’t recall a moment I was completely left alone. I was always in the presence of my Saviour. I kneeled down and told God that I don’t dare, but somewhere deep-down want to trust Him. I just didn’t know how. Then I described what I saw in this song. In the months following, I sang it again and again.