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Theme • 3 songs

Vulnerability

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We sang the song Oceans in church, a few months after our daughter was stillborn. I used to love that song. I always longed to walk in faith wherever God would lead me. But now I found myself not being able to sing it. What if going wherever He leads would mean I lose another child? I suddenly realized I didn’t trust God anymore. I was shocked. Some months later I went to a songwriters retreat. In a workshop the leader invited us to write down what bothers us and to give it over to God. After that we asked God what He wanted to show us. I ‘see’ a man on the water. The sea is calm and the sun breaks through, right above the man. We told each other what we received. Then we prayed again and I ‘heared’ a song line from the band Live: ‘Run to the water. I find you there’. I thought it was funny. I’ve always loved Live and God knows that of course. I didn’t know what to do with it, though. ‘Isn’t that man Jesus?’ someone said. I was startled and immediately thought of the song Oceans again. I realised Jesus was inviting me to walk on the water, in the light. I wrestled with what this means exactly. I listened to Oceans again and then the last line hits me: ‘in the presence of my Saviour’. That’s what someone said as well: ‘But Ineke, you don’t walk alone on that water. God is always there.’ It is true. If I honestly look back, I can’t recall a moment I was completely left alone. I was always in the presence of my Saviour. I kneeled down and told God that I don’t dare, but somewhere deep-down want to trust Him. I just didn’t know how. Then I described what I saw in this song. In the months following, I sang it again and again.
Reading the story of the Prodigal Son, I was struck by how the father hugged his son and gave him a coat, a robe. He restored his status, clothed him. Suddenly I was reminded of the soldiers who took away the robe of Jesus, God’s Son, when He was crucified. They cast lots to decide whose it would be. Jesus laid down His robe, His authority, His dignity, His status, for me to be clothed with garments of salvation and wrapped in a robe of righteousness (Isaiah 61:10). I was so amazed that I wrote this song.